Pitch Wars – Son of A Pitch! – About
My first event prompted by social media. How exciting! Here’s goes:
Arcanum, Adult Fantasy
Query:
Naomi is the best healer in all of Nevre’stra. She shares a bond with the wolves, which heightens her senses and allows her to make a diagnosis based solely on the scent of an infection. While scouting the wilderness to help those in need, Naomi encounters her greatest fear, a marauder. She survives the brutal attack and permanently returns to her home in the city, forever scarred by the violent memories.
Nearly eight years later, the marauder, Delventrus, returns. Now he wants Naomi’s daughter, Dana’lia. He forces Naomi to choose between the life of her mate or relinquishing Dana’lia to him. Naomi does not have time to wait for the city guards or the wolves to intervene, she must decide. Yet unbeknownst to her, Delventrus has discovered a source of limitless power, and Dana’lia is the key to the source of the power. Naomi’s dire choice potentially harbors drastic consequences for not only herself but also the inhabitants of Nevre’stra.
First 250 Words:
Pillars of afternoon sunlight poured in through the tall, narrow windows of the barracks infirmary. Naomi neTara, the healer, the Luparian, gently held the swollen, red hands of the little girl in front of her. Clear humor trickled from open sores and black lesions made her pitiful hands grotesque. The redness seeped up to her wrists but the black lesions were mainly on her palms and fingertips. It was easy to see why the barracks healer, a former apprentice of Naomi, thought the girl displayed symptoms of Shepherd’s Plague. Such would be the end of the little girl and disaster for the township she traveled from for help. But Naomi did not worry. She held her nose close to the little girl’s hands, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She let the scent of the affliction roll across her olfactories and settle on the back of her tongue. Naomi inhaled again to be sure.
A wolf padded along the hidden deer-trails of the forest. When he detected an enticing odor on the wind, he stopped for a moment. It had been days since he had eaten, since he journeyed from his pack and family in search of his own territory and mate. The odor on the wind was meat, rotting in the sun, not choice parts but entrails. It didn’t matter, anything would do. He sniffed at the entrance of a burrow but the scent of prey was stale. The rabbits were long gone.
enlightened wolf 
Hello! Glad you made it! This is only my second one, so I’m a newbie, too!
First, I think you do a good job of giving me a basic understanding of the plot and stakes, but it could have more punch and be clearer. For example:
“Naomi is the best healer in all of Nevre’stra due to a bond with wolves which allows her to diagnose illnesses based off scent.”
It’s the same information, just condensed. I also have some questions about what’s really going on. The sentence about the attack is a little vague—why is her return permanent? How was she attacked that she’s forever scarred—like I get the sense that it’s more than just a standard mugging, but how?
For the second paragraph, you give the marauder a name—he should be introduced the first time we meet him. How has he found her? Also, it sounds like this story takes place within a few seconds—the choice of her giving up her daughter or not, but I doubt that’s the case.
Basically, I think it’s just a little vague and so the reasons for characters decisions are therefore confused.
As for your 250, I think it’s a good opening, though I am a little confused by the cut to a wolf. I would keep reading, though! I just hope there’s an explanation soon. But the writing is solid. Only minor quibble is having a double space after a period isn’t necessary (and might be a nuisance) with computers. A singe space is fine 😀
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Thank you so much for the feedback! All easy fixes 🙂 Except for the blasted double spacing after a period! Or other punctuation– gah. That is proving very difficult to break. I didn’t learn how to type on a typewriter but obviously the teachers that taught me did. Anyway. I’m glad you would keep reading because where I’m going with the wolf and the healer gets wrapped up nice and neat by page 5. And everything starts to weave together before then! I promise! Thank you again!
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Query. One of the best I’ve read. I’d be keen on seeing where you go with this.
One thing that wasn’t clear it me was how the marauder can maker her choose between her amate and her daughter
Excerpt. Also, very good. But, the transition between Naomi and wolf needs to be smoother. There is no connecting factor as it is right now.
Good luck.
In case you feel like critting and adult thriller
https://jayperinwordpress.wordpress.com/2017/02/14/updated-version-son-of-a-pitch/
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Sorry about spell errors. Doing this on phone.
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Thank you so much for your feedback! I’m glad you like the query, I have been working very hard on it for some time now. I’ll keep working on it though, to eliminate some of the vagueness. Thank you again!
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Being unfamiliar with your world, I don’t catch the gravity of this guy being a marauder. Is he just a bandit or is it more of an office or position he holds? I’d like to get a better sense of the stakes in the conflict. Interesting idea about using senses to diagnose illness, but does your MC gate any other abilities?
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The challenges of a query– the MC does have another ability but trying to cram both into the query didn’t work out well; one plays a bigger role than the other so I went in that direction. I’ll try and figure out a way to instill the gravity of the conflict between my MC and the marauder. At this stage in the game, he is basically a bandit. But he does rise to power later. Thank you very much for your feedback! Very informative!
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